Category Archives: wanking

Videogame Leaderboredom

Just one more go ooh one more go. Arrrgh why did I rush for that??!!!! Arrgh. Speed not Greed!!! Another life gone. Another hour of my life poured away into the mouth of a gurgling time-bandit.

What is it about leaderboards? Joining the faceless and anonymous geeks around the globe for a sandpapered circle-jerk, all common in the knowledge that you’ve spend too much time doing something worthless over and over and over again. Then going back and repeating the event. 15,000 times. Then becoming furious. Just like the feeling you get when you start your first full time job. Or the shallow feeling following a ruthless act of autoerotic nubbing.

If you’re going to perform this repetitive filthy act, surely you’re better off creating something tangible something for the braindead to stand around and point at: maybe create racing car out of matchsticks (it exists, honest), or create a ship out of meat (that too), or go on a Spree-killing. Or go on a spree-killing. Or go on a spree-killing. Or go on a spree-killing. Spree Killing. Killing. Kill. Yeeeeesssssss.
The position of #1 on the school-spree-killing leaderboard is really rather attainable. With around 900 rounds of ammo fired and only 12 kills from 35 hits, the Kids from Columbine scored poorly, it almost seems like a wasted effort. Surely the #1 is there for the taking and would require half the time and effort required during the complete mastery of a videogame. Although it WOULD involve you getting up off of your face fucking arses.

The whole sorry score-chasing culture is a hole we dig ourselves, fill-up with doggy-dit, hose-down until sloppy, then dive into the disgusting mess mouth-first and have to eat our way out to avoid drowning. Leader-boards are like skag and turn you into egocentric dribbling buffoons who’s self importance on the ladder-of-suck begins to take a leap into the embarrassing.

On the subject of which, what’s this?….

With that in mind, well…..”being Global WiFi Leader of Geometry Wars is of great importance to the Surgery and me. More important than kissing my future first-born. More important than all friends and members of my family surviving future horrific car-accidents. It’s implication on all of the world’s state of affairs, the UK’s homeless and the de-forestation of South American rainforest’s is unprecedented. In fact if you went up to anyone in the street right now, at random, in any city in any country, and uttered “No.1? That Be Doc HamHock see!” they’d give you a knowing nod of appreciation and respect. Maybe even a high-five or a meal-for-one. To expect anything less would be insulting to the entire human race. If N.W.A. had been aware of this momentous turning point in human evolution, their words, “You are about to witness the strength of street knowledge” would have been changed to “You are about to witness the strength of HamHock’s large skills”, and John Lennon would have taught the world’s leaders to sing “Let it Be (like Dr HamHock) scoring skills of wisdom, Let it Be”. Hear Me Now, you will bear witness to – Wait a Minute….

…Hang on. Hang on one minute. On closer inspection, the title of the planet, on which I am King, has a certain “Je Ne Sais Dunno” to it. On closer inspection it appears to have found-me-out. On closer inspection there may be something about my planet’s name in which destiny had a huge hand in making. On closer inspection I think someone has continued the life-long act of knocking me back down when I’m finally on top.

On closer inspection…

Welcome to the perpetual power of geekness. Another life lost. Game over man. Game over.