Football corruption took a step-over-step-backwards this week following a string of stings by the Telegraph newspaper (they still exist? – ed)
Starting with the on-camera entrapment of the (now former) England Manager, Sam “Breast-Wrangler” Allardyce, the stings continued as QPR’s Jimmy-Floyd “Trouser-Trumpet” Hasselbaink, Barnsley’s Tommy “Welly-gobbler” Wright, AND Leeds owner Massimo “Boing Titty Boing Boing” Cellino all implicated in “separate controversies”.
Football authorities are “bracing themselves” for an escalation in the week. In the meantime, let me walk you through the DEFINITIVE, top, Sporting Bungs and Backhands DOMINATING my conversations with myself today.
THE BOOZEY BUNG
Oooooom – this bung is rich, sweet with a fruity noise. No it’s not Pippa Middleton’s Vegan Dachshund* (what? – ed); we’re talking a favourite of the first wave of 90’s intercontinental football managers, coming over ‘ere, challenging our league’s status-quo for competitive advantage, blowing bubbles into their post-match glass of Chateaux De Smugfuc. *I was going to be ruder with the Pippa Middleton thing (used gusset).
Turned handle bungs – artisanal woodworking for the refined corrupt sportsman. The Sporting Spy, operating in the shadows. Easy grip to grab, insert and twist (maybe in secret), certainly in silence. Available in walnut to match the dashboard on their top-of the-range Vauxhall Astra.
Graceful, like a private dancer on the pitch – appealing to “foreign coaches” and/or Mediterranean politicians, with their sharp dress sense, olive skin and sexual agression tending toward teenage family members.
THE DOUBLE-HANDER WHIP
For when she’s complaining that “she’ll need to use two hands on that” this is the PIED PIPER of backhands for those rough-as-arseholes British Managers, barking orders from their touchlines and chewing gum.
(That’s enough now – ed)