I DIDN’T WATCH IT – STRICTLY COME DANCING, SERIES 12

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I didn’t watch this.  I already know all about it.  So do you.

I have a problem.  it’s called “being me”.  My brain is a Chinese finger-trap for awful useless codswallop.  Strictly Come Dancing popped in there and hasn’t left.

You know EARWORMS – I get BRAINWORMS.  Unless I take a brain dump that worm just takes hold until BLAM – I end up demanding to engage EVEN ENJOY the very things that are driving me mad.  This is THAT.

Spinning, pirouetting, sashaying round and round in my mind, re-animated old school ugly thirteenth Doctor Bruce Forsyth regenerated as the ever-increasingly ODD-HOT Claudia Winkleman flicks a secret switch on his/her utility belt.  FLICK! – live on BBC1 – this releases the mythical sequinned Groundhog – a confused, panicked animal dressed in a tutu with just enough side-boob on display to keep the dads watching, and just enough vaginal waxing to keep it pre-watershed.  Just.

This is light entertainment.  This is lighter entertainment.

Some [most – ed] may point out that “light entertainment” is to mean “not heavy” – inoffensive content which avoids “raising awkward questions” when whole families or generations are viewing.  Strictly Come Dancing takes light-entertainment into anti-gravity territory.

But that’s what the BBC do best isn’t it? “Light entertainment“.

Suggesting that “light entertainment” by pedantic definition is “entertainment” but less-than one unit of metric entertainment, is the sane side of the debate.  That’s not what I do here. He says talking about himself in the third person, mixed I, me and him in the same article.

It is  “low entertainment” or “less entertainment”.  Which, coming from a man who’s entire back catalogue is a vast collection of poo jokes is RIPE – but at least I’m a fucking authority on the matter, yo.  You will address me as The God of Low Entertainment from hereon-in.

In times before the time before the time, celebrities would dance and it would be unexpected.  Maybe purposely amusing.  It would be a major event.  Christmas specials.  Comedy telethons.  It would be frikken CLASSIC.  We’d watch the same clips yearly and in unison declare, “THIS IS THE CLASSIC”.

Then we blinked and before we knew it – THE FORMAT WARS, BEGUN IT HAS.

Media today is ALL ABOUT EVENT TV.  Every broadcaster, from Hollywood to Podcaster is creating THE EVENT.  Between them all they dilute the event, often spreading the same “talent” across the event.  Scraping the talent barrel for the last dregs of notoriety to wrap like a thin film around a familiar, success format.

Load the talent into the format cannon.  Commence event bombardment.  Wipe them out.

When event TV is the norm across 100’s of competing media streams and channels, what you get is non-event lost in a cloud of event.  What was once MIND BLOWING AND UNIQUE when all we had was 3 TV channels and Jimmy Saville is repeated or cloned over and over until it not just unfunny, but it makes you hate yourself for watching.  Imagine watching a Morcambe and Wise Christmas Special not once a year, but every week for 12 weeks straight.

But that’s what the BBC do best isn’t it?  You know, “variety“.

Indeed, the BBC do “Variety” like nobody else don’t they?  That special kind of “variety” without variation.  The variety defined as “Monotony” AKA The Royal Sameness Performance 2015.

TV events like Children in Need or Comic Relief really aren’t the pleading desperate events anoymore because TV is a constant pleading desperate event.

This si less of a slight on Strictly – more about circumstance.  There is a certain embaressing irony here.  When I started writing this “thing” I hadn’t dipped my toe into the scalding Strictly-bathl, not for years anyway.  Then – BLAM – I visit my mum and demand we put it on FOR HER.

I used mum as an excuse.

Please send your thoughts to Patient 6, Ward 3, High Wycombe Asylum, Bucks.

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