If Channel 4 can have an Alternative Election Night full to the brim with satire and mirth then so the fuck can we. Welcome to the alternative (Sir C)Live-text.
David Cameron: come to ECTS, meet big boy barry as he attempts to shill third party shit controllers
Mute: our boy barry for PM
David Cameron: i’d vote for barry, he’d sort a hung parliament out with an art of fighting tournament.
David Cameron: which party leader is better at street fighter?
Herb. R. Ginger: clegg defo
David Cameron: salmond is clearly chun li lightning kick abuser
Herb. R. Ginger: dc is best at command & conquer
Herb. R. Ginger: brown is best at suduko
David Cameron: dc builds sandbags up to labour hq to cut off their harvester
Herb. R. Ginger: i bet he uses the sell sandbag cheat as well the sneaky cunt
DrHDHock: Brown is better at Peggle online, but avoids ranked matches.
Herb. R. Ginger: nod towers all over his gaf
David Cameron: the david steel/david steel alliance broke down over treasure island dizzy gameplay arguments
Mute: I’m sure there was a mock campaign on barry’s show for ‘barry for pm’
David Cameron: funniest thing walliams ever did
David Cameron: bbb’s bitch
DrHDHock: Clegg won’t play SF in this country as the PAL slowdown is intrinsically and systemically baised towards the two main parties.
Herb. R. Ginger: agreed hock – clegg takes his SF seriously
David Cameron: danny curly was going to lose in finals of street fighter 2 tournament but UKIP’s Nigel Farage crashed his chopper through time and knocked the wheels off young #1’s skateboard
Herb. R. Ginger: which is why he owns a megadrive
Mute: ‘proper joystick technique’, ‘real button bashing’, ‘screen positioning’
Herb. R. Ginger: page 4 of the lib dem manifesto – ‘MD pad is better’
Kooper: there’s no fucking black borders on nick griffins consoles, either. ironically he’s an import man
David Cameron: Live satire and sass with David Mitchell, Jimmy Carr and Lauren Laverne responding to the election results as they unfold, intercut with specially recorded election night shows Info
David Cameron: nothing says satire like lauren “kenickie” laverne
Mute: calm down dave
DrHDHock: she can fuck right off. I’m with Big Boy Bonnie on this. Oxygen thief.
David Cameron: even saturday night armistice cast died on their arse in live 97 election satire and they had iannuchi and coogan
DrHDHock: iannuchi is on HIGNFY later btw
David Cameron: yes but the show’s been shit since before deyton left
DrHDHock: At least C4’s Alt Election is using Jon Spencer Blues Explosion for the trailers. +10 mana
Kooper: “kenickie” – i used to wank off thinking about fucking the two fat ones. true story!
David Cameron: sadly kooper due to technology that confession will live forever. 35th century afri-robots will laugh at your bad taste
Kooper: the heart wants what the heart wants, bonnie, and mine wanted big fat wimmin
David Cameron: not women, geordies
Spudgun: we were ‘joking’ earlier about paying the pikeys to torch the polling stations where greenie cunts were likely to vote Info
Spudgun: some cheeky cunt green twats tried to hand out some fliers to me as i was walking down the street
Spudgun: one of them was a hot asian bitch but she’s have to do something pretty special to get me to vote for that horrible lucas cunt
DrHDHock: Spud experiences an election “wobble”
Spudgun: the look on my face did the trick i think
Spudgun: my mate was wearing a green tie too the fucking twat
DrHDHock: Moth to a gaslight mate. What if it was a hot Lib Deb Asian babe?
Spudgun: hmmm do they exist
Spudgun: i thought they were all fat 3rd year english lit students called sarah
DrHDHock: “AIannucci #ge2010. Labs, Lib Dems, Others: Charge! There’s 1 more hour to stop Pudge-Face and his Moon-eyed Loons.”
DrHDHock: I guess he’s not voted RED then.
David Cameron: i have a strong desire to buy super sf4
DrHDHock: me too, feel dirty though
David Cameron: well i traded in sf4 today
DrHDHock: Angrily putting it in the ballot box with a big X on the front while shouting “FUCK YOU CAPCOM”, ain’t a trade-in mate.
David Cameron: m8 i fucking wrote “no r. mika? no karin? no fucking HUGO? this ain’t no election”
DrHDHock: “a greasy turk” make do? sounds like a nickname for a horrid turd. apt
Child tax credit: nice to see that bender fry has got into the political swing of it all
Child tax credit: http://twitpic.com/1ll01k
Spudgun: r mika sucked tbh
DrHDHock: http://www.twitpic.com/1lcq0v Where’s HRGinger?
Spudgun: coke more like
DrHDHock: ripe for a shopping that image…
Alan Bastard: looks good.. coming to a parliament near you soon then
Alan Bastard: I hope the tories do something decent and honourable for there first post election pledge like erecting a giant wall around brighton to keep all the queers there
Spudgun: the real b’stard would love a bit of brighton deviancy
DrHDHock: how’s this shopp? – http://i41.tinypic.com/20ibkw.jpg
Mute: I hate jimmy carr, I hate his face, I hate his voice, I hate his ‘jokes’
Gareb: I think he’s alright, Gareb: And the fat lad, And Brooker. I even like that Kenikie bird.
Alan B’Stard: I wonder who brian cox will be supporting when they wheel him on… I doubt if he will be playing things will only get better again next to blair… how wrong could he have been
Mute: crank it up
Gareb: His study on the universe will have changed his outlook.
Mute: HAHA is that you G? as a kid m8
DrHDHock: Gordon Kennedy’s a City fan? ffs
Mute: 5 mins left to get them votes in
Alan B’Stard: I hope the world ends in 1 mins time
Alan B’Stard: what an anticlimax
DrHDHock: Projected Exit Poll – Tory near-victory
Alan B\\\’Stard: same again in 6 months time then
David Cameron: didn’t exit polls claim kinnock won once?
David Cameron: bet his wife had to tape over the end of that election
David Cameron: “yes dear you won”
David Cameron: pupils from local schools running for no reason
David Cameron: saturn had better 3d
Alan B’Stard: shittttt I knew i should have brought shares in virtual studio’s
David Cameron: who is this cunt? what happened to old man swingometer?
Alan B’Stard: if you want to watch some normal news. http://www.myfoxny.com/subindex/good_day_ny/watch_live
David Cameron: wouldn’t speak in that accent in sunderland without 15 bodyguards love
David Cameron: nick please buy a different pair of glasses you bald cunt
David Cameron: andrew marr is a zombie from zelda oot
DrHDHock: Weak spot?
Spudgun: erm http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs17/f/2007/171/7/a/Curse_of_the_Redead_by_reimyourou.jpg
Spudgun: oh shit it was a deviant art link
David Cameron: kirstie thank you but fuck off
David Cameron: teresa may? i was excited momentarily
Spudgun: fuck it’s the lord of darkness
David Cameron: mandelson, he failed to get a star wars death star admiral part, this is audition 2
DrHDHock: haha Brown gets to wear the Palpatine mask though.
David Cameron: teresa fake may lacks juggs
Spudgun: damn lord of bitchiness
Gareb: Is there a more creepy, slimey piece of shit in existence than Mandelson? He’s on another level.
Gareb: Haha, DC. You’re Kate Silverton crush is quite endearing.
David Cameron: waking up to bbc breakfast without her isn’t waking up
Gareb: Her best work was when she went out for a week in Iraq, Combats + white vest is a good look for her.
Spudgun: god this coverage is almost as boring as reading mute and vik fill up the shitbox
Herb. R. Ginger: couldn’t agree more g, tories being only 20 seats short of a majority in th exits is pretty fucking impressive considering most people dont admit to voting tory
Alan B’Stard: I thought only socialist self important cunty students and dole’ers only vote labour?
Spudgun: and people in the public sector
Alan B’Stard: well it’s in there interest innit
Spudgun: well, the useless ones
DrHDHock: Fuck off Sunderland.
Spudgun: and the jobcentre staff go wild
David Cameron: gareb sticking up for his brothers
DrHDHock: If the exit is right, Brown will cling on. with the emphasis on cling-ons
Mute: here’s spud getting a punch – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKbU8B-QVZk
Herb. R. Ginger: i am of course watching the serious channel still makes me chuckle mute
David Cameron: bored shitless already bed
Herb. R. Ginger: labour held onto sunderland. big fucking surprise
DrHDHock: Sunderland – First to clear their desk. hand the texbooks back and stand behind their chair before the bell goes. But always failing the exams innit.