Hands On Videogames Review

Continuing the great work, once carried out in the old surgery, we now take a look at the single most important factor in the entire videogames entertainment industry; some hands on some artwork. Often overlooked, the icon of the five digits rising has been secondary to many other bodyparts, while primary to playing the games themselves. Take a minute with us now to honour the beautiful appendage and it’s flapping pigs-tit we now commonly call “fingers”.

LEFT 4 DEAD
One modern piece of artwork we cannot give a thumb’s-up to is the four-skinned, metaphoric Left4Dead box-art, which presents us with a four-bird-roast. Like a 20 year-old action-man’s hand, perished through age, this hand without an oposable prehensile thumb doesn’t need to grip any 1:17 scale weapons, as it belongs to some guy on the floor in the opening L4D movie. He could be dead, he could be alive, he could be the dead-risen-then-went-to-lie-down-again-for-a-bit. It doesn’t matter. He’s given us a hand-job worthy of Valve’s from cover. Call for evac. Bravo. Alpha. Lima. Lima. Sierra.

LAND OF THE DEAD: ROAD TO FIDDLER’S GREEN
Expecting to find a disembodied hand, we are presented with an attached mucky palm, spinning a filthy wire-fence web. While Spiderman may not have anything to worry about, it’s obvious to the viewer that ‘tis the hand of a fiddler. It’s unknown whether one should keep young children away from this fiddler, or whether it’s simply plucking away at it’s well-polished instrument in the lower decks of the Titanic, we will never know. Just be safe and assume it’s a filthy fisherman again on shore-leave.

DEAD SPACE
Like loft-space but a lot colder, with no planetary gravitational effect and with a single hand floating around, looking for a “flukey grab”. The blood-splattered intricate, multi-fingered body-parts is a simple warning to those who wish to play the game: In Space, No-One Can Hear You Do Stuff. It might be that there is indeed a disembodied hand floating around upstairs in the loft, but as I’m too scared to go up there on my own I’ll never know. I’ll get mum to come over and fish around up there sometime. I’ll show her the cover of EA’s newest blockbuster for reference. I’m sure she’s never seen a sliced-off space-man’s hand before, so she’ll need to know. Unless she does know of course. Which would be worry me a little.

STAR CONTROL
Technically not a hand. An arm-end consisting of five oposable thumbs is either the work of a Jeremy Irons style perverted surgeon, or just simplyvideogame lies. We’re not going to waste time discussing the virtues of a cheating fist. We fear that kind of symmetry in a hand. We fear it. This should be banished to the sea-bed; to shuffle around lonely for eternity, making mouth-shapes with it’s thumbs and mouthing “I’m sorry”.


SPAWN: THE ETERNAL
It’s a whole arm. Doesn’t really count. Maybe if it had been ripped out of a fisherman’s socket by a Sega Bass, it could have been included. Or if the marketing budget was smaller and only the left hand page was used in the campaign. “This is your best Weapon” is the tag line, attached to the ad. Attached I might add with more than just red felt-tip pen, Dolmio and Tesco’s beef mince. Which all that held the arm on to the previous pwner.

GOD HAND
The fist that blocked-up a market. For years hardcore gamers cried out for a beat-em-up worthy of their own hands, nobody listened. Apart from Clover Studios. The whole videogame industry strode forth and saturated the casual gaming market with lighter titles. Apart from Clover Studios. Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft made millions of yendolluros from the mass market of softcore gamers. Clover Studios was closed down by Capcom. There end the lesson.
A 10 year-old greasy fist which defined a generation of developers and gamers was hurriedly moving it’s way towards Clover Studios; who in their haste to pick up the hardcore gamer’s soap, forgot to keep their IPs against the wall.

DEAD MAN’S HAND
The common themes today are that of “hand and death”, which is a shame. The poor bastard in this box art looks to be a gonna, killed at the “hand” of a bad sport. What the unsportsmanlike assassin doesn’t know is that the dead man’s hand really wasn’t much of a winning one: Two Aces and an Eight. Great. That’ll teach you to bluff.

5 FINGER FILLET
While “5 Finger Fillet” sounds much like a fisherman’s wank, please don’t be put off by it’s hastily researched title. This flash game has little in common with our salty sea-dog’s below-deck-trawling and more in common with a famous scene from the science-fiction horror “Aliens”. It is infact a very pleasant way to reinact a Hollywood Cyborg party game without slicing a milk-filled vein open. One element of concern may be the heavy breathing you hear while furiously aiming your spacebar into the webbed gaps, but don’t worry; it’s probably just another trawlerman sucking lovingly on a Fisherman’s Friend.

Click here play it here: 5 Finger Fillet


NEXT WEEK: FEET ON FOOD LABELS.

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3 thoughts on “Hands On Videogames Review

  1. Cunzy1 1 says:

    Didn’t I see this article on EDGE.Oh and happy new year to you too! Welcome back and I’m sure that controversy stuff will just blow over in a couple more weeks.

    Like

  2. The Idiot says:

    That’s probably because they used up all the space in the magazine with long wanky words which have easily recognisable one sylable synonyms (fuck they’ve even got me doing it the cunts)…Happy new Year Dr. hock too.

    Like

  3. DrHamHock says:

    This whole site is on-edge.

    Like

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