Towards end of 2007 there was a request made by a potential new employer to write a short statement outlining why Dr HamHock would like to work for them. This followed a series of drawn-out meetings with interviewers from across Europe. Suffice to say, the level of bullshit stuffed into this A4-sized automated bum-licking piece of literature was immense. They didn’t offer Dr HamHock the job. Dr HamHock believes that they decided to hire the letter instead. It was clearer, better presented, had more facial hair, weighed a couple of stone less and was less inherently xenophobic. It read as follows (the names of all unfortunate parties have been changed just in case they ever contact the surgery again and Google themselves):
Dear Mr HeinzBeanz,
Thank you for the warm reception afforded me on Monday by Mr Jokum Wagstaff and yourself. Our meeting was enjoyable and informative, giving me a much clearer view of your company and the advertised position. I hope that the meeting allowed you to obtain a good insight into my background, experience and personality.
Following this meeting, I am extremely excited and enthusiastic about the role of Project Monkey and at this stage I wish to express my very strong interest in the position.
As you are aware, I am looking for a role which will broaden and develop me professionally and personally. It is clear that your company and position could provide this important development to me, both enriching my experience and horizons.
In my opinion, your UK operation (as well as your other new overseas offices) has been set up with a very professional and thoughtful approach to both it’s staffing and training. With it’s growth and profitability increasing, the UK operation appears to have become quite a success in it’s short lifespan. This seems to be a hugely exciting time for the company and, in turn I am hugely excited at the thought of helping to grow the UK business further and to grow myself within your operation.
The opportunity to work with larger, higher profile, higher specification “world-class” brands and projects is an enormous drawing point for me. Having experienced working with high-specification projects and well known high-street brands it has given me a taste for more of these interesting accounts and projects. Being part of a team which works successfully with demanding, detailed
and interesting accounts is incredibly rewarding and satisfying for all involved. I wish for more and more of this in the future. I believe your company can offer this.
Being a truly international company, MonkeyBoobs Ltd offers tremendous scope for personal development working with overseas colleagues, language development and travel. The size, influence and global presence of Monkey Magic fascinates me and I hope
to experience, first hand, the huge benefits of working with such a strong and diverse team of engineers, managers, designers and manufacturers. This would further increase my awareness and experience and is something I am very keen to sample.
My flexibility, adaptability and willingness to learn / improve and grow with my work can only be a positive addition to your already strong UK team. My knowledge of UK markets, UK customers and logistics combined with specific experience of UK local authorities would help strengthen the service you are currently offering and give the UK office further confidence when taking on new and differing projects.
As you know, I offer a broad background of commercial, design, sales and project / account management skills. This is quite unique and not only does it promote self reliance, it allows effective and educated communication and understanding within all areas of a project, whether dealing with clients queries, or when working with designers, engineers or other colleagues. More importantly, my background allows me to make decisions based on experience and knowledge in nearly all parts of a project’s lifespan.
It is fantastic to think that this experience, job knowledge and current skills-mix fits so very well with the person and job specification you are seeking. All elements of the role are a very close match to the day-to-day activities carried out in my current position. Also, to be told my personality is a good fit was an extremely satisfying conclusion to our discussions.
I look forward to our next meeting; I am confident, from my research and from our previous conversations, that your company will continue to impress. I hope to impress you in return.
Dr HamHock MD