Wednesday 18th June 2008
Dear Mr Thornton,
I’m writing to express my distrust and embarrassment with your Loyal Bank of Scotchland and the service I have had over the last year: In particular, the service you yourself have tried to provide.
My mortgage was taken out successfully with your company last year, with a view to buying a small kitten-shaped house just off the Hampshire coast. During the process of finalizing the sale, the mortgage was issued for the correct amount and the property was purchased. My complaint is that the Kitten-House was not exactly as your survey suggested and due to this oversight by your company my life has been a living hell. With the emphasis on “been, “a”, “living” and “hell”.
It appeared that the furry-home was in fact a sentient being: a complete and fully matured domestic cat, 60ft tall, weighing 100 tonnes, fully carpeted with gas central heating, and filled with cheap IKEA furniture and a nostalgic but worthless record collection.
Over the last year it has developed a habit of wandering around in the night bounding after crazy-golf parks and airplanes like some kind of furry, playful Godzilla, only to return in the early-hours to its resting position of 32 St Johns Road, Portsmouth, where it skillfully mimicked the odd, but sought after look of a two-story semi-detached tabby with ginger and white furry driveway.
While one can adapt to this ever changing feline-abode, your survey did not pick-up on the fact that every 2 weeks my house coughs-up 10ft balls of weapons grade cat hair, which is becoming increasing more difficult and dangerous to dispose of. Particularly with Mr Jenkins (of no.30 St Johns Road) being quite the nosey-curtain-peeper his is.
Mr Jenkins even had the audacity to pop a note through the door a few weeks ago saying, “please do not park your irradiated cat-hair on the path, it is illegal under section 33 of the highways act to block a public footpath”.
As you can see this is causing me a lot of bother and could have been avoided had your surveys been carried out in the thorough manner in which you stated they would.
I await you swift reply and hope that you can offer a resolution to this terrible problem. Must dash, Mr Jenkins is knocking at the front maw. Our tail has blocked his Ford Tigre in and he’s having kittens.
Dr H Hock MD