Wander into the local shopping centre and over the course of a month, carefully identify three people with the following aesthetics:
1 x Irishman with moobs, boils and sweat.
1 x Annoying bitch with boils, sweat and no lower jaw.
1 x Sweaty, crying Sideshow Bob/Thin Mick Hucknell.
When the chance is presented to you, follow each of them into to a public lavatory and force them into a cubicle. Lock the cubicle door and start to bawl, “Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this” at them incessantly for14 hours straight, while punching at their faces repeated with a potato ricer and fiercely forcing uncooked spaghetti into their ear-canals. Collect any tears, wax or blood and force the victim to “prepare a restaurant-quality dish from ONLY the ingredients provided”.
Put on the new series of “Delia” on (BBC2 Mondays 8:30pm) and spend the entire bone-shattering 30minutes throwing 20kgs of packet-mix mashed potato at the TV screen in a bid to build-up a 3D image of Gordon ‘Potato-face’ Ramsey. Every single throw of potato MUST be accompanied by the mantra of “You’ve got two minutes”. If the face of Gordon is not created in the time allowed, the process must be repeated continually for the next 6 days, while blind-folded and playing the pre-recorded back-catalogue footage of Delia’s TV career from 1973 to 1998. Any instant mashed potato made-up AFTER the original Monday night programme must be made up using tears, urine or blood.
Shave one’s head, slip on a rainbow coloured-woolen hat, pop a couple of pillows down the front of your cheapest suit and wipe Bovril (or the vegetarian equivalent Marmite) into the face to darken the complexion. Now you are disguised as Masterchef’s very own toad-like Gregg Wallace in Rastafarian garb, walk out into the road and wait for a cat. Tempt the cat into your arms using milk, fish or any excess ‘Bovril self-tan’ and gently introduce the cat to your own home, treating it the whole time with food, strokes and freedom of territory-marking.
After 4 weeks of repeated tapping-up, wait until the next weekday at 8:30pm, turn on BBC2 and, holding-aloft said cat by the tail, shout “Master-Master-MasterChef…Hoooooooooooooooooo”, before flaying it’s furry body 200 times into the face of your television set. After 30minutes if you do not receive ‘sight-beyond-sight’ then repeat the whole process for the next 7 years.