Quite why anyone, included the people here at the Surgery, were expecting anything great from Nintendo when they made the ‘shock’ announced that the MarioKart franchise would be coming to the Wii. The DS version (released back in 1639 and exclusively reviewed in the April edition of ONM by guest reviewer HRH Charles I) was gloriously perfect, ignoring the clunky way friend matches were organised, and the DS seemed to be the perfect platform for it.
With the Wii, we all know that the home-TV console market is over-saturated with drivers to the point of dripping it’s brackish piss all over the sofa, like how dear old Auntie Dreamcast went the last time she visited, before she passed away. For that reason we really can’t be fucking bothered. Oh and the other reason is this:
Beep Beep look at me. I’m driving my car. Toot toot. Another piece of useless plastic yay!! Hey kids, put this under your bed and never use it again. It’s free for fuck’s sake. So it doesn’t matter? right? right? Gimmi a go of you steering wheel without a central point of rotation, so it’s floating-like. Floating in the air. Am I turning it? Dunno. Dun-care. Check out my Compact Dick.
Excite Truck felt wonderful to play without having to Cellotape a bin-lid to the Wiimote. And we didn’t look like cunts playing it. Not much anyway.
Kiss the brand, kids. Kiss the brand! Kiss it through the rear slot. Mmmm that’s right just there. Kiss the cord too. Catch it while it dangles. No red rings here, only Betty Blue rings, baby.
Reggie Fils Amie is the new Johnathon King, only in this world the 15 year old boys are replaced by flimsy injection-moulded wheels: sidling them away in to the Nintendo VIP area plying the plastic disks with whiskey and Cola. The horrible nightmare ends with him slotting his dry waggle-wand into the back groove. Oh yeah you’d better believe it my little round friend. Fill all holes Reggie. Fill all the holes.