*Canned laughter. Cut to trophy wife dressed like an extra from Braveheart who’s been made-up by Robert Smith.*
“Only a handful of films in the lifetime of this Surgery have ever come close to that which this film has achieved……”
*The achievement was to sit in a cinema theatre and laugh openly and uncontrollably at the shitness. A real honour. A real fucking honour indeed.*
“….and for that reason the award for Film Experience of 2007 can only go to Doug Lefner’s:
Looks like the sequel to 300 or something. Go-on, click the liar. Have a look. It looked like a lost cousin of Russel Crowe and John Fashanu’s Gladiator. Honest. There wasn’t anything else worth watching – apparently. Not even the terrible Halloween remake.
Whenever Dr Hock has been in videogame stores, mocking parents and kids blindly purchasing the glossy, shitty, over-marketed tripe, never did he think that he would one day make the same cocking mistake. Not with a game, but with a truly awful length of steaming, brown celluloid. Dr Hock shall point out a few of the factors which led to the movie being so highly decorated.
Ben Kingsley, (sorry, the Academy Award Winner Sir Ben Kingsley) ‘didn’t show up’, as they say in football circles. Once a dependable, bet-the-house-on-him-actor, our own Ben Dover was happy to play a brown skinned Taff mercenary like a god-damn sixth-former. At one point our fearless welsh wizard appears at the English coast, arms held aloft like a man spurting egg-white on the Golden-Mile, well like a man who simply doesn’t give a shit about acting. You’ve arrived in Margate you prick. Disgraceful.
He plays Merlin, or a Welsh cunt who turns out to be Merlin, who turns out to be as spiritual and cosmic as Paul ‘every second cunts’ Daniels. Merlin, or whatever he’s called in Rome, and Colin ‘fucking’ Firth take a descendant of Caesar to Britain because Rome is being attacked by Goths. [insert joke here]. Caesar appears to father King Arthur. The End. If only it ended as quickly as the Doctor’s prognosis, maybe Halloween Remake could have won.
The Roman Immigrants, like many today, found the British to be a lazy lot. They came over to find the legions left in Blighty had ‘adopted the Britannic way of life” and had been skiving, tupping the ladies, farming, tupping, farming, learning to speak with an English accent and generally not being a very legendary legion. All in all, these ex-pat Romans became a bunch of fucking lefties, instead of feeding off the blood and guts of the Caledonian Barbarians, the old-school Guardian Angels were living the Good Life under the rule of Emperor Richard Briers. Sans NuYorkian Beret or Felicity Kendal. Or Felicity Kendal in a beret. Stupid fucks.
You leave your workforce for one minute and look what happens.
At times the sets, story and acting are so flimsy and scenes are so hammy it make Neighbours feel like the fucking Godfather.
A certain ‘Lucus1979′ on the IMBD said:
Given that the ‘objective’ was to ensure defecation, weeping, vomiting and self-pity amongst all the audience I would agree that it’s ‘JOB DONE’. Job Done in the pan with a horrific nutty, yellow splash-back all over our consumer buttocks. Cunt.
Major 2007 releases which should have been shit, but were great….
Shrooms, Saw IV, 30 Days of Night.
Major 2007 releases which utterly sucked cock….
The Last Legion, Halloween.
Major 2007 releases which should have been great but were shit….