Awards Time…

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen to the Annual Golden Doctor HamHock’s Waiting Room Film and Television Awards.”
*Fast forward past 3hrs of camera pans to applauding hordes of whores and black-ties. Edited in between clips of monstrous film making and hideous smugness*

“Just like an Atkins Dieter’s overdue and painful bum-sausage desperately reflected back in the pan-water, here’s indeed is the big one you’ve all been waiting for…the 2007 Surgery Film Experience Award”

*Canned laughter. Cut to trophy wife dressed like an extra from Braveheart who’s been made-up by Robert Smith.*

“Only a handful of films in the lifetime of this Surgery have ever come close to that which this film has achieved……”

*The achievement was to sit in a cinema theatre and laugh openly and uncontrollably at the shitness. A real honour. A real fucking honour indeed.*

“….and for that reason the award for Film Experience of 2007 can only go to Doug Lefner’s:

*Polite applause akin to a village cricket green or family of crack addicts*

“So many crimes against cinema have been committed by this film, someone needs to go back in time ‘Jules Verne’ style and take the glint out of Doug Lefner’s Dad’s eye with a broadsword. Thank you all for joining us and we’ll see you next year. Toodle pip.”

Here’s the film poster Dr Hock was ‘tricked’ by.

Looks like the sequel to 300 or something. Go-on, click the liar. Have a look. It looked like a lost cousin of Russel Crowe and John Fashanu’s Gladiator. Honest. There wasn’t anything else worth watching – apparently. Not even the terrible Halloween remake.

Whenever Dr Hock has been in videogame stores, mocking parents and kids blindly purchasing the glossy, shitty, over-marketed tripe, never did he think that he would one day make the same cocking mistake. Not with a game, but with a truly awful length of steaming, brown celluloid. Dr Hock shall point out a few of the factors which led to the movie being so highly decorated.

Ben Kingsley, (sorry, the Academy Award Winner Sir Ben Kingsley) ‘didn’t show up’, as they say in football circles. Once a dependable, bet-the-house-on-him-actor, our own Ben Dover was happy to play a brown skinned Taff mercenary like a god-damn sixth-former. At one point our fearless welsh wizard appears at the English coast, arms held aloft like a man spurting egg-white on the Golden-Mile, well like a man who simply doesn’t give a shit about acting. You’ve arrived in Margate you prick. Disgraceful.

He plays Merlin, or a Welsh cunt who turns out to be Merlin, who turns out to be as spiritual and cosmic as Paul ‘every second cunts’ Daniels. Merlin, or whatever he’s called in Rome, and Colin ‘fucking’ Firth take a descendant of Caesar to Britain because Rome is being attacked by Goths. [insert joke here]. Caesar appears to father King Arthur. The End. If only it ended as quickly as the Doctor’s prognosis, maybe Halloween Remake could have won.

The Roman Immigrants, like many today, found the British to be a lazy lot. They came over to find the legions left in Blighty had ‘adopted the Britannic way of life” and had been skiving, tupping the ladies, farming, tupping, farming, learning to speak with an English accent and generally not being a very legendary legion. All in all, these ex-pat Romans became a bunch of fucking lefties, instead of feeding off the blood and guts of the Caledonian Barbarians, the old-school Guardian Angels were living the Good Life under the rule of Emperor Richard Briers. Sans NuYorkian Beret or Felicity Kendal. Or Felicity Kendal in a beret. Stupid fucks.

You leave your workforce for one minute and look what happens.

All hail the Leathery Welshman for I am Caesar. Bring forth incapacity benefits for the people of Britannia.Word up. Check my crown and cape motherfuckers.

At times the sets, story and acting are so flimsy and scenes are so hammy it make Neighbours feel like the fucking Godfather.

Harold is the aging don (head) of the Bishop Mafia Family. His youngest step-son Henry Ramsey has returned from Brisbane just in time to see the wedding of Charlene Mitchell (Henry’s sister) to Scott Robinson. All of Henry’s family is involved with the Bishop Mafia, but Henry just wants to live a normal life. Drug dealer Paul Robinson is looking for Mafia Families to offer him protection in exchange for a profit of the drug money. He approaches Don Bishop about it, but, much against the advice of the Don’s lawyer Mr Udagowa, the Don is morally against the use of drugs, and turns down the offer. This does not please Paul Robinson, who has the Don thrown into the sea by some of his hit men. The Don barely survives, which leads his son Henry to begin a violent mob war against Robinson’s and tears the Bishop and Ramsey family apart.

A certain ‘Lucus1979′ on the IMBD said:

“There is no gore, sex, or swearing, and whilst the fine cast will not win any Oscars for their performance, they did a fine job in fulfilling their roles, given the movies objective”

Given that the ‘objective’ was to ensure defecation, weeping, vomiting and self-pity amongst all the audience I would agree that it’s ‘JOB DONE’. Job Done in the pan with a horrific nutty, yellow splash-back all over our consumer buttocks. Cunt.

*Long applause followed by end titles and the News at Ten with Trevor McDonut.*

Major 2007 releases which did the job….
Rock the Bells, 300, Electroma, Sunshine, This is England, 1408, Atonement
Major 2007 releases which should have been shit, but were great….
Shrooms, Saw IV, 30 Days of Night.
Major 2007 releases which utterly sucked cock….
The Last Legion, Halloween.
Major 2007 releases which should have been great but were shit….


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