We interrupt 8 weeks of silence to bring you this commercial break

“There’s no secret to why my slices are so whoreish, just years of practice. I stick to ripping off classic recipes which is why one is so often not enough. That’s why I had the simple idea to wrap them in twos so you can enjoy them wherever you are and are forced to get through a whole packet in an exceedingly short space of time. Oh my! How exceedingly wicked of me. I’m sure you’ll agree, my cakes are exceedingly fecal

“This summer, why not try my my freshly laid Victoria Gunge. My Victoria’s have a miserly layer of raspberry jam beneath the golden sponge. A touch of fruitiness that is always a delight. I’m sure you’ll agree I’m an exceedingly annoying, god-bothering, smug cunt. Diplomatic Immunity!”

“I’ve always keenly observed how people choose to eat my attractive French Fancie-Lady. Some start from the bottom. Others simply bite in half. It’s the more adventurous who can’t resist licking out the creamy vanilla filling and start with the best bit first. I’m sure you’ll agree I have an exceedingly flaccid phallus.”

“I’m always particularly proud of my lightly fruited Manor Ho’s cake. The secret is in the slow direction towards drug-dependency which gives a light moist texture that is difficult to beat. Fit for a lord you might say, which is why I called it Manor Ho’s cake. I’m sure you’ll agree I’m an exceedingly fly baron of all cakeland.”

“Miss Marple was always fond of my mockney middle-england fantasy and would often shriek in delight at the sight of my rock cakes. Both Miss Marple and Hetty Wainthrope loved to take turns devouring my dehydrated and shriveled fruit-buns. God knows how I make them so exceedingly naughty. The size and sweetness of my sponge baton was always the talk of the W.I. judging panel when it came to exhibiting at the Midsommer fair. Quite why it’s so exceedingly long and sticky, only the W.I. and myself know.”

(Taken from the first draft “Mr Kipling 2008 Easter Campaign. Radio and Television)

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3 thoughts on “We interrupt 8 weeks of silence to bring you this commercial break

  1. Anonymous says:

    Give me some effin cake – NOW biatch…

    Like

  2. How exceedingly cuntish.

    Like

  3. PepperPot says:

    You make exceedingly good gruff…

    Like

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