Pilot for new BBC consumer affairs programme called, "FOR IT YOU WHEN TO DECIDES #1"

The Handkerchief

Why add to our already horrific land-fill epidemic by using safe, clean, hygienic and disposable tissues when one can carry one’s disgusting nose-babies around all day in your pocket?
Tonight, we present a special report with no facts : FOR IT YOU WHEN TO DECIDES….

Often the spoils of the middle aged man or woman, when not being used as a fashion accessory, this pointless fabric receptacle manifests itself in one of four ways:

1) The Three Fold Triangle
Ironed to within an inch of it’s life the “trois fois de snot sec”, as it’s known internationally, is rarely removed. It offers no visible hanky-line and is therefore favored by botters, scummers and mutton in equal parts. The real worth of this item is that of the added-value afforded by the idiot who thought it would be a good idea to iron something one blasts snot into. Bravo.
Is this really time best spent when one can just buy pre-folded tissues? FOR IT YOU WHEN TO DECIDES.

2) The Sleever
One part clean and dry, like fresh bedlinen, one part stiff with brain-glue, one part sodden and adhering to the inside face of the coat/shirt sleeve. With one clean corner presenting itself at all times, this snot-saber is designed to be skillfully drawn at the first sign of liquid-snake descending, with the not-so-clean-and-jerk producing a cloth, so full of texture, the blind and partially sighted could declare it to be their Rosetta-Stone. Or bongo mag.
Tissues come out soft all the way through. Is this inconsistent crust-flannel really the future? FOR IT YOU WHEN TO DECIDES.

3) The Licker
A mother’s cliche in itself, to the untrained eye, this disease ridden rag does not visually reflect the diabolical and hellish nature of it’s disgusting contents. Used predominately for wiping the food and muck from children’s faces, this grotesque accessory has only one purpose: control.
Spreading infestations of oral diseases, airborne diseases, nasal and sometimes fecal bacteria this ass-to-mouth doo-rag is the cause of more infant deaths than the government care to let on to. Children freeze like a Francis Bacon portrait when faced with this cold, dirty gob-wipe. With it’s halitosis and marmite stench so strong, it has been known for users to carry a festival port-a-loo around with them to disguise the vomit inducing gob-waft. A quick lick and a wipe and back in the bag, like a basket case spreading it’s own batty-soil with a hellish grin and a sense of humour.
Moist tissues are available. We save our kids from the predatory pedometers, so is it reasonable to risk our childreners with more danger? FOR IT YOU WHEN TO DECIDES.

Every Monday Night on BBC2

One thought on “Pilot for new BBC consumer affairs programme called, "FOR IT YOU WHEN TO DECIDES #1"

  1. Anonymous says:

    Chitterlings are pigs intestines….


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