Subtitled “Extreme Knock Door Run”, “Hide and Seek or Die” and “Wilson Golf Beckensale”, Vacancy fills 90 minutes with the kind of intermittent hand-over-face anguish only ever previously associated with “Dennis Norden’s: It’ll be all fight and fright during your blighted night of shite” and “M Night Shyamalan’s: Fraught Daughters Oughta not be Taught to Loiter Near the Water”.

Sans banjo and Burt Reynolds, the film brings a “slice” of Deliverance to Hollywood’s idea of backwater USA where venturing off of any 8 lane superhighway almost always means the following:
a) Rain, darkness and illogical disorientation.
a) Mechanical failure / running out of “gas” with no notice.
b) Radio and “cell” phone reception disappears.
c) Alien abduction including anal violation.
d) Being accused of a crime you didn’t commit, followed by anal violation.
e) Falling asleep at the wheel to discover your passengers have gone missing. And have probably been anally violated while you snoozed.
f) Offering a lift to a spectral hitchhiker or, worse still, a ghostly anal violator.
g) Being hunted down indefinitely by a man in a juggernaut, until one anally violates oneself.

Vacancy offers a variation on these story-o-types and leads our hapless yanks to a motel, so in a class of its own, they had to invent a new rating system for it, replacing the widely used “stars” with the new “fresh-steaming-turds”, depicting the fright-induced involuntary evacuations of a grown man’s poohole.

Where Endemol’s Big Brother format falls short, motel manager Mason’s own version of the show steps up.

His motel may not have a diary room, but the house’s “Big Brothers” make themselves available to the contestants at regular intervals during the course of the show, even making time to help the the contestants pack-up and leave during the show’s finale.

Mason’s Big Brother Motel has bedrooms and bathrooms which are lavishly decorated with a retro-chic vibe, although no catering or kitchen facilities as provided as the eviction process somewhat suppresses appetite and eviction itself tends to take place with 2 hours of entering the beeeg bruuva haaase.

It’s nomination process could be seen to rigged, with all contestants being automatically put up for “eviction” as soon as they enter the house, with the Big Brothers ultimately deciding who has the highest votes. All house-mates face the private vote. You (don’t) decide.

Eviction night tends is as humiliating, degrading and desperate as it’s T.V. cousin, with the outside reception on eviction-night hostile and medieval, but a little more forgiving than Channel 4’s flagship TV-poo.

It’s during Mason’s late night highlights program that Vacancy really excels compare to Endemol’s watered down catatonia-inducing excrement. Boasting more cameras per room and a much more dynamic and “hands-on” director, the action replay show includes not only the visual opening “introduction to the house” and “eviction nominations” but also includes the “First Task” (being humiliated then deadified), “reaction of eviction” (being dead) and the whole eviction night’s antics and japes. A VERITABLE TREAT FOR THE HARDCORE FAN.
So much so that (single, white, hillbilly, truck driving) fans are driving across the country to get their hands on these edited highlights.

Fans of the show will be disappointed to find out that there is no “Big Brother’s Little Brother” or “Big Brother’s Big Mouth”. Our Big Brother’s got two Bigger Brothers and they both carry a Big Brothers Big Machete from “Day One”.

There is no “Day Two”.


2 thoughts on “Vacancy

  1. Bjam says:

    Nick Cage where is your rage? You haven’t done anything fair since Con Air.


  2. Agree with your thoughts,but he didn’t do this either.The only snuff film he saw,was called, “9mm”.


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