Probably the world’s longest update, but here’s THE speech.
“THANKYOU VERY MUCH
It is a great, great honour to be standing here today, for Matt and Debs very special day. Best man to a best friend.
Matt and I have known each other, on and off, for nearly a quarter of a century and this day is the easily the most significant moment in all that time.
Significant in the fact that today, Matt and I finally get a divorce.
It’s over. Kaput. Sorry. I’ll let you keep the Pearl Jam CD’s.
For years, Debs has affectionately referred to Matt and I, as a “MARRIED COUPLE”, and to a large extent her description is right. He’s my Bird.
She has been known to refer to Matt and I as “Gay lovers”, but I’m not sure what she means by that.
Matt, especially in recent years, has always looked out for me.
He has been there for me at my lowest times and has shared in my most happy and memorable moments.
Thankfully for me, most these moments have been paid for, by what I call, the “ROYAL BANK OF ELMES”.
In-fact at this very moment, on the day of his wedding, my Bank of Elmes Current Account is overdrawn.
WHAT’S MY BALANCE AGAIN?
Quite how I got this gig, I’m not sure. Compared to the Consistent Mr Elmes and reliable now Mrs Elmes, I must surely be the most random and surreal spokesperson to ever be asked to perform this task.
DEFINITELY BEST OF A VERY BED BUNCH.
In all honesty, to bang on about “the time Matt did this” and “the time matt did that” would be far to easy. In fact, basing a speech around Matthews late night activities it would be disgusting. HORRIBLE. VILE.
Matt told me yesterday that his STAG NIGHT was the FIRST TIME he’d ever been out and NOT REMEMBERED what happened that night. This is quite understandable as, those who know him, know that he’s not really big on drinking.
THIS IS A VERY GOOD THING.
Despite the fact he’s nearly always the self appointed driver, this alcohol-free pest is best described as A DISGUSTING MESS.
His sober activities range from dentistry and administering the Heimlich manoeuvre, to wrestling men and picking when it’s. SORRY. When it’s suits him, he’s a hideous alcohol-free one man freak show.
So, how much do I owe you again?
Many of you will know me normally as Andy Simcock, today’s best man. But by trade I am actually a Professor in Relationship studies.
Today you are all going to be treated to a sneak preview of part of my current research project. With the working title of, “The Evolution of very Primitive Man”.
There are many elements and traits which underlie a successful relationship or partnership.
You will see from the following, well known examples, that they have many comparisons with our newlyweds, Mrs and Mr Elmes.
As individuals, the following research paints a glowing portrait of our bride. And a less than glowing portrait of our Groom.
Firstly, lets take a look at the roles of Man and Woman from pre-history and see how these roles fit our more-modern couple sitting in front of you:
ANCIENT WOMAN (OR WIFE)
The provider of love
The guardian……(PAUSE) of the DVD boxed-set
ANCIENT MAN (OR HUSBAND)
The seed holder
The grower of hair
The creator…… (PAUSE) of flatulence.
Many great and successful partnerships have existed in modern 20th and 21st century culture.
Many of these tend to fall into titles such as “Brains and Brawn”, “Rough and smooth”, “Dominant and Submissive” and of course “Hairless and Hairy.” See how the following examples relate to our newlyweds.
Here’s are some GENERAL examples researched to illustrate similarities to our new couple:
Richard and Judy.
Cagney and Lacy.
Little and Large.
Demspey and Makepeace
Robson and Jerome.
Crocket and Tubbs
Edward and Tubbs for that matter
All successful partnerships…Here are some more SPECIFIC examples, researched by me for mild comedic effect.
Wallace and Grommet
Owen and Rooney
Lineker and Beardsley
Fruit and Nut.
Beauty and the beast
As shown, these hugely-successful partnerships bear many similarities to our beloved couple, which bodes extremely well for the future.
DURING MY ONGOING INVESTIGATIONS I have found more interesting pointers which lead me to think that our newlyweds general taste in the opposite sex is perfectly matched to one another. Here are my very skilfully researched findings:
DEBORAH’S taste in fictional men follows a very specific pattern:
The nice black man with the muscles from NYPD blue.
The nice Hispanic man from CSI Miami
Any hairy, dark and moody man featured in any of TV Crime.
Cousin IT from The Adams Family
BA Baracas from the A Team
Anyone dark, hairy, good looking man. WITH FLATULANCE.
MATTHEW’S taste in women follows a more obvious pattern:
His Mum, obviously.
Debs Mum, creep.
Any women frequenting petrol forecourts.
Indeed anyone smelling of petroleum based products or forecourt snacks.
More specifically, his taste tends to follow a more ancient model, where caveman and cavewoman showed affection to one another through the grooming of pests and bugs from “primitive-man’s” thick, matted and stinking fur.
It is no co-incidence that, today, his official title is “GROOM”.
Scientists and scholars studying early-man, refer to men like Matthew, by the LATIN name of for his species. “HOMO-sapien”, “HOMO-erectus”, or just simply as “MONKEY BOY”.
When MAN AND WOMAN co-habit, it is often the WOMAN who adopts the role of “head-of-house” and will often lay down the ground rules on cleanliness.
As hinted at earlier, Debs has a unnatural addiction to “gritty American crime programmes”, in particular the CSI (or Crime Scene Investigates) franchise.
In the style of Lt Horatio himself, “What we are going to do is” look at how her interest in the police-procedures from her DVD box sets (and countless TV repeats) mirrors her life as the newest member of the Elmes family.
Just to fill you in, the CSI franchise centres around an overly glamorous forensic team and their quest for evidence at murder scenes.
Their ability in the field of fictional forensics is so great, they can often identify a murder suspect by the DNA extracted from a SINGLE, STRAY, HUMAN HAIR.
Now imagine Debs “CSI-fuelled” mind, late at night, visiting the bathroom. Or as Debs would say: “entering her scene of crime”.
Now imagine her crime-busting delight, on entering the bathroom , and finding 1000 THICK, DARK, MONKEY HAIRS clogging every plughole, all left behind after a “Matthew shower and shave-crime”.
“Where there’s hair there’s evidence.” It’s like a match made in heaven. Although it’s more “AGGIE AND KIM” than “DCI BURNSIDE”.
By now, you may have noticed a running theme to this speech – SORRY -“serious scientific study”.
It is the conclusion of my research that Matt and Debs path of destiny was set in place from the very first time they met at work.
Like the biblical characters Adam and Eve, eating the apple in the Garden of Eden.
Our newlyweds also nibbled at the forbidden fruit – the fruit know as the Sains-berry. Groan.
For eight years Debs has been using the F-word.
But she’s no longer a Ffffff-OOTMAN. She’s at the HELM.essss
Nerves? Nah. We never see Matt losing it, never stressed with anything other that his beloved Sainsbury’s Petrol and P.E.R.T. levels.
Always “The Boy”, give him a leather jacket and he’s be cool as the “fonz”.
But in December last year, we saw him stress. His preparations leading up to the proposal of marriage to Debs was a big thing. It was an important event, it was THE most important event and it showed, he was cracking under this self-imposed stress, he was up to 20 a day. (cigarettes that is errr).
Christmas Day, saw Matts proposal and Debs tears and the first day of the rest of their lives. AHHHHH
Matt grew up on Christmas day and that PRIMITIVE MAN evolved into a gentleman with a real agenda. Focussing on his one truelove.
Deborah. We both know that Matt is a smelly, hairy and lazy toe-rag, but he is without doubt the most caring, generous and conscientious person anyone could wish for. And I know today, both your wishes have come true.
For a long time HE WAS MY BIRD. Now at last he is your husband.
Matt, Deborah was once your lovely girlfriend and now, and from today forward, she will be your beautiful wife.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a finished product. 8 years in the making, gold plated and full of love. Two people beginning a wonderful journey together.
I present to you “TEAM ELMES”.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE BE UPSTANDING (WAIT) AND RAISE YOUR GLASSES TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM. (WAIT) TO MATT & DEBS.”