Didn’t take the bastards long to catch up with Dr Hock MD. His Nostradamus-like predictions on future products have been gazumpted by the marketing genius of Procter (Procter!!!! – Police Acadamy 2) & Gamble (errmm, Gamble!!! – Bruce’s Play Your Cards Right). With time on our side and with a whole month of mulling behind us, let us all mumble the Bender’s mantra together:
“Let’s get ready to commence preparations for rumbling”
Just to get you in the mood, you’ll notice that Gillette don’t really “big-up” the five-blade system in their promotional material. Wanna know the reason?
In Gillette’s unofficial “consumer tests” Gillette found that Fusion “significantly outperformed Mach3Turbo on all performance attributes”.
In stinking contrast, the official independent testing (conducted by Stiftung Warentest in Germany) found that Mach3Turbo (a three blade system) was held to be the clear winner, “having the closest and most comfortable shave by far”. In second place was Wilkinson Sword Quattro (a 4 blade competitor).
In third place was shaving with a scalpel at work. In forth place was drunk-shaving with by holdin a cigarette lighter to your friend’s beard.
Here’s the only “consumer test” which “keeps it real” and “appeals to the scum”:
Black – Taken straight from Gillette’s Official Guide to “Best Ever Shave”
Red – Dr Hock’s “Top LOL Japan!! Shave Eva” : an Official Guide to the “Gillette’s Official Guide to the “Best Ever Shave””
1. Shower Before You Shave – (That’s if you have a shower, those of you who only own baths, please wait until the council come to upgrade the facilities in your estate. In any case, you can only aspire to such “essential” lifestyle brands. Gillette recommend “Bic Orange : The Best A Man Can Get for £1.49”) Wash your face to help remove the natural oils and perspiration that inhibit water penetration.(Cheeky bastards. Who do Gillette think they are! As far as I’m concerned, a shave IS a wash). Applying warm water causes hair to expand, making it softer and easier to cut. (Although this appears to be scientifically correct, do not let the truth clear the clouds of mistrust. Mother?! )
2. Apply plenty of Shave Gel – Although water is essential for softening, the water absorbed by hair quickly evaporates, (especially is you’ve just had to get dry yourself off following the Gillette instructions to take a bloody shower first) leaving hair in its original state (you mean “dry?” Why not use that word you utter tedious marketing scumbags). Shave gel provides a protective layer that prevents evaporation of water and keeps hair soft. In addition, using a shave gel such as FUSION HYDRAGEL reduces friction between blade and skin, improving razor slide for a smoother shave. (One does wonder exactly how long the marketing buffons take to have a shave in the mornings: It must drive them to breaking point, worrying about the water evaporating before shaving. I have an image of them jumping out of their showers, carefully drying around the stubble, before quickly applying Moist-o-gel. Followed by a frantic fumble for the razor of choice, stress in their eyes as the clock-of-evapoartion ticks on. And on. And on. A whole team of marketing shits arriving for work with cling film wrapped around their heads just to keep the water in. Fuckstones.)
3. Use light Gentle Strokes – Your hair grows in different directions, so light, gentle strokes are the best way to a closer shave. (FACTWATCH: Should read, “Shave in the same direction as the hair growth” Ha! again, we consumers see through the thin fact-veil called Gillette) For ultimate comfort, use GILLETTE FUSION or GILLETTE FUSION POWER, and rinse the razor frequently to prevent buildup on the blade edges and cartridge (file under, “does Benedict XVI attend mass?” and “is the faecal matter found on the forest floor of an ursine nature?”. Me personally, being so affluent, when the razor head becomes blocked, I simply throw the razor away, including handle. When I take a poo, I don’t flush or wipe, I call a plumber to replace the pan and insist on having my “filthy balloon-knot” replaced with a new prosthetic ceramic-composite poo-hole).
4. Shave tricky Spots Last – (This isn’t true. Google told me. Input “Shave tricky spots last” into your search engine and see what you find. Nothing! Gillette lie.) The toughest hairs grow on the chin and around the lips. Shave these areas last, (So, shave your sideburns and neck first then) (cunts) as more time soaking in shave gel will soften them further (I thought the water softened them, and the shave gel stopped the evaporation?! HAHA the copy police have once again found cracks in the anaglypta of truth!). Use the precision TRIMMER BLADE, a single blade on the back of the Gillette Fusion blade cartridge, to easily trim sideburns, shave under your nose and shape facial hair. (Or conversely, be a radical rebel and use the normal side of the fucking razor, like everyone has been doing. Just fine. For a hundred years. You cunts)
5. After Shaving, Rinse Your Face with Cool Water and Pat Dry – At the end of every shave, rinse the razor thoroughly and shake off excess water before storing. (I did read storing as “staring” initially, which better sums up the disgust on my face following pre-work shave). Do not wipe the blades, as this can damage the fine shaving edge (And pulling the “fine shaving edge” through 1000’s of hairs every morning doesn’t damage it? It’s certainly harsher than wiping it with faded flannel, neatly embroidered with old pubes and subtlely decorated with stale poo and spunk marbling)
To be continued next time with the Gillette Offical FAQ…..