The Art of Noise

When creating the perfect heckle against a professional footballer, there’s nothing finer than booing, hissing and general persistant noisemaking of 30,000 bored anglo/franco/bavarian lagerwits. Here’s a handy guide.

The Attack of the Attack
Once the player receives posession of the ball, speed of reaction is critical. A low build up time is not effective against skilled opposition. Jeers need to be as quick as the passes in an Azzuri counter-attack. The fall-off velocity needs to be equally high, as not to offend the targets poor team mates. Diferenciation would be the name of the game, had it not been called “Fotbol” first. A quick drop-off rate is key. Think more “pushing the cunt-button” and less “turning the turd-dial”.

Target Losing Possession
The ability to produce a contrasting heckle is key to getting the message across. Should the main heckle be whistles, then the contra-noise needs to be a roar/boo. And vis-versa.
If this contrast of noise is not achievable, say due to over excitment or let of crowd organisation. then an increase in volume is a suitable substitute.
Use for fuck-ups, tackles, fouls on the target target player, failed free-kick appeals, and misplaced passes/shots on goal.

The substitution of the target player needs to be greeted with the same jubilant elation as that of a 30yrd fuck-bomb of a goal, from your own supprted team. It is critically important not to negativaheckle during the removal, or indeed booking/sending off of the said player.

Never let the player become awareof your weakening in volume or overall persistance to annoy. The Germans would never let this happen, but be wary of local bevarages and it’s effect on lethargia and attention span. Extra time and penalties will not waver the committed and the crowd must win at all costs.

Mixing and Re-mixing
Once a crowd is well skilled in the art of the individu-heckle, then experimentation is often heard. Mixing between chants and songs then smoothly into boos and whistle and then back out again, is an advanced skill which is often overlooked in times of hoffbrau delirium.

The Ultimate
The King of Skills is known as the “Humiliheckle”. This involves “turning to the dark side” to increase the strength of ones attacks to a level far more powerful than you could ever imagine. The crowd must clear their mind, allowing themselves to “ole” and cheer every one of the “victim’s” team-mate’s passes, only ever stopping for the said victim himself. At which point the crowd employs the famous “deep boo” technique, for maximum humiliatory pummellidge.


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