Painful "World Cup 2006" Tie-ins #2

“Real Football 2006” for that renowned portable gaming system: the mobile phone. You know that console called the “Phone”? That’s only ever good for making calls on? Because it’s a “Phone”? And crap for games because there’s no input device and the screen’s two inches wide? Because it’s a “Phone”?

“The game’s isometric 3D graphics are stunningly realistic and have never been seen before on mobile phones. The definition shown in the grass, the angry fans, the smoke, and the confetti will draw you right into the middle of the stadium.”

By “stunningly realistic” I’m assuming they are addressing the social minorities of the blind, the under 3’s, the partially sighted, the myopic, the hyperopic, pirates, George Melly, Slick Rick, Gabrielle, estate agents and Neo (after the “bit where he did fight da man in da spaceship in the last film).

The press release reads like a write-up for a Sega Master System arcade conversion, “like having the arcade in you living room”. Only with fewer colours, a lower frame rate, no fag burns on the top of the telly, no chewing gum stuck behind the controller, no empty cans of Panda Shandy sitting to the left of the “Player 2 Start” button, no sweating paedophiles lurking behind Golden Axe or Pit Fighter.

“Supported by three big-name players: Djibril Cissé (French team player and 2005 Champions League winner), Andrei Shevchenko (2004 “Ballon d’Or”), and Oliver Kahn (goalkeeper for the German team).”

Should read:

“Supported by three big-name players: Djibrill Cisse (broke his leg just before the World Cup), Andrei Shevchenko (Just cost Chelski £30m and according the the BBC in his first game, “was rarely a threat and one of his rare ventures into the Spanish area saw him tread on the ball”), Oliver Kahn (Dropped as Germany’s first choice keeper. Recently dropped his wife as first choice too. For some new pussy).”

Knowing me though, we’ll find that in the forthcoming couple of weeks:

  • Schevchenko will shake-off his piss-poor form and score a hat trick in every game, including the final.
  • Kahn will get back into the Germany side afteLehmannnaccidentallyly” gets bum raped during a World Cup wife swap evening.
  • Cisse will grow a third leg, made entirely of a biomechanical material known only as “FIFA Mecha Limb 6”. Sven will claim that “it is a miracle of Rooneproportionsns”. Rooney will claim that Cisse, “Is 110% fit”. Alex Ferguson will claim that, “He will not be fit for the group stages and if he plays any part in the World Cup, i’ll put on my dancing shoes and salsa like Lionel Fucking Blair”.

Supported by Schevchnko, Kahn and Cisse. “Real Football 2006accidentallyly appealinsimultaneouslyly to Mockneysmisogyniststs and Amputees.

Note to self: Stop here, then maybe go back and talk about:

  1. The “angry fans” and “grass definition”.
  2. The packaging being a rip off of a very popular real football game for real consoles.
  3. The “pick-up-and-play perfect for everyone” (who hasn’t fat fingers).
  4. The fact that headers, volleys and through balls are “special” moves. By special they obviously mean in the “needs” sense.

It’s unlikely that, in ten years time, self-proclaimed gaming grandmasters will cite “Real Football 2006” as a defining moment in mobile gaming history. It’s more likely they will cite “Real Football 2006” as an utterly tedious cuntmuse.


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